In the Land of Cocktails

Birthday Humbug! (kinda)

Posted by on December 24th, 2009

Jesus and I have some­thing in com­mon.  We both have Decem­ber birth­days.  The prob­lem is, His always, always upstages mine.  In the past I’ve had lav­ish events thrown for me by lov­ing friends and I’ve even shame­lessly thrown a cou­ple myself.  I’ve tried every­thing: themes, bowl­ing, Broad­way shows, amuse­ment parks, catered buf­fets.  But noth­ing ever tops the main event of Decem­ber, Christ­mas.  I am not alone in this predica­ment.  I have many… friends with Decem­ber birth­days.  A cou­ple of friends, Chef Will Gotay (also a Decem­ber baby)… 

And our lovely mixol­o­gist friend, Matt Cohen…

…came up with cock­tails to help soften the blow of being the side act to Jesus.

Seri­ously?  Wouldn’t it be more fit­ting to cel­e­brate the Immac­u­late Con­cep­tion?  In March.  That seems like more of a neat trick.  Nine months later he wasn’t born in a fancy hos­pi­tal, or at home with a new age doula or even under­wa­ter.  Jesus was born in a barn.  The mir­a­cle of the birth is more that he didn’t get swine flu, hoof & mouth or mad cow.  Seri­ously.

I know it’s prob­a­bly a long shot to get Christ­mas moved.  But one can always hope.  In the mean­time, those of you who love your Decem­berist friends (not to be con­fused with the Russ­ian rev­o­lu­tion­ar­ies) can help us cel­e­brate with the fol­low­ing pointers:

• No Christ­mas paper on birth­day gifts
• No combo gifts (we totally get short­changed every year)
• Avoid wear­ing red and green to the birth­day party at all cost
• No holly berries, no mistle­toe, no reindeer…
• And no shout­ing “Ho ho ho” unless you’re look­ing for a thrown down

Keep these help­ful tips in mind as you’re mix­ing these two spe­cial win­ter birth­day cock­tails…  I know they made me feel a lit­tle bet­ter.  Okay, a lot better.

- Paige Bern­hardt (tele­vi­sion writer/producer & web empress of www.inthelandofcocktails.com)

THE SERIOUSLY? COCKTAIL (cour­tesy of mixol­o­gist Matt Cohen)

• 2 ounces Van Gogh Dutch Choco­late vodka
• 1 ounce Spicy Choco­late Syrup*
• a touch of heavy cream
• Hershey’s syrup
• Ground cin­na­mon
• 2 Drunken brownies

Com­bine vodka, spicy choco­late syrup and cream in a cock­tail shaker with ice.  Driz­zle a chilled mar­tini glass with Hershey’s syrup.  Strain cock­tail mix­ture into the mar­tini glass and gar­nish with a sprin­kle of cin­na­mon and two Drunken Brown­ies** on a tooth­pick.  Serve immediately.

*SPICY CHOCOLATE SYRUP Yield: 3 1/2 cups  (cour­tesy of Exec­u­tive Chef Will Gotay)

• Car­na­tion Milk, 2%                                   12 oounce can
• Abuela Choco­late, chopped                     3 bars
• Ghi­rardehli Hot Cocoa                             1/2 cup
• Unsweet­ened Bak­ing Choco­late             1/2 cup
• Dark Brown Sugar                                     1/2 cup
• Pink Salt                                                      1 teaspoon

Place the Car­na­tion milk in a sauce pan over low flame.  Heat milk for 3 to 4 min­utes.  Add the rest of the ingre­di­ents to the hot milk and stir gen­tly until all choco­lates have melted.  Pre­pare a bowl of ice in which another bowl can rest on top.  Place the choco­late in the bowl over ice to cool down quickly.  Set aside.

**DRUNKEN BROWNIES

• Choco­late Brown­ies in half inch cubes
• Vodka

Soak Brown­ies in vodka for at least 30 min­utes.  Skewer brown­ies.  Gar­nish drinks.

TWO CHOCOLATE PIGS (cour­tesy of Exec­u­tive Chef Will Gotay)

• 3 ounces Vanilla Vodka
• 3 ounces Godiva Choco­late Liqueur
• 4 ounces Spicy Choco­late Syrup*
• Drunken Brownie**
• Caramel Sim­ple Syrup***
• Caramelized Bacon Powder****

Rim two mar­tini glasses with Caramel Sim­ple Syrup.  Dip wet mar­tini rim in Caramelized Bacon pow­der.  Chill pre­pared mar­tini glasses in freezer.  Fill cock­tail shaker half way with ice.  Add vodka, choco­late liquor and Spicy Choco­late Syrup and shake for 10 sec­onds.  Pour into chilled,  rimmed mar­tini glasses.  Gar­nish with 1 skew­ered Drunken Brownie.

***CARAMEL SIMPLE SYRUP

Place brown sugar in a glass bowl.  Add hot water and stir to dis­solve brown sugar.  Set aside for later use.

****CARAMELIZED BACON POWDER

• 6 strips Salt Pork
• 1 tsp (or so) Coarse Black Pepper
• 1 tsp (or so) Chili Powder
• 1/4 cup Brown Sugar

Pre­heat oven to 350° F.  Place bacon strips on parch­ment paper.  Sprin­kle bacon with coarse black pep­per & chili pow­der, enough to cover evenly.  Sprin­kle brown sugar over sea­soned bacon.  Bake in 350° oven for 15+ min­utes – or until bacon is crisp and sugar has caramelized.  Remove bacon from oven and let cool com­pletely.  Place caramelized bacon strips in food proces­sor and pul­ver­ize.  Place bacon pow­der in a shal­low dish.  Set aside.